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Comfort 7: I (think) I Like You

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             I took a dumb personality quiz on the internet and my results said “my subconscious is obsessed with the need for love,” ended with a stupid exclamation point. I’ll show you my results.

And here, take the dumb thing if you’re so curious. https://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/what-is-your-subconscious-obsessed-with/

 

Your subconscious is obsessed with the need for love!

 

Your selection of pictures suggests that from very early age, you were a very emotional and passionate person. You grew up with a big family, lots of siblings, and a nice group of friends. Because you weren’t always in the middle of everyone’s attention, you have to constantly feel loved.

Your subconscious is very occupies with reminding you that you need to find someone who loves you. Sure, some people think that this is a bad quality in a person, but you shouldn’t listen to them, this is one of your strongest attributes!

This subconscious need to feel loved drives you in every aspect of your life, makes you study harder, achieve bigger things and search for true love without compromising. This feeling is what’s gonna get you places!

 

So, do you agree with your result? Do you feel obsessed with the need for love? Tell us in the comments!

 

Gag me. I knew it was a silly, frilly thing on the internet done for shits and giggles, and possibly was created by someone looking for money. But I’ve known that all my life, I’ve been searching for someone. Honestly, my mom is my favorite person, but uh, there is a certain extent to which I can love her. I’d rather keep it that way, don’t you think?

Were my insecurities a huge turnoff? Oh, well, I mean, I’m me. I couldn’t deny it or hide it, it showed in everything I did.

I mapped it out. I could’ve asked about, like, how life was going. School, if it was good or bad… Um, talk about myself. I could’ve been hella sassy as I normally was. And, um, when it was time to dip, um, say, “Dude…I like you,” then feel like shit as I do on an hourly. I still had a real hunch he liked me too, but it was hard to say for sure. Um, seriously, I had to stop letting this shit get to me. I’d have liked to sleep for once, please, peas, and thank you.

Hey, does he wash his hands after pissing, or…?

This could’ve all been avoided. It was so simple it was stupid, yet I still chose to stew in my emotions instead of saying what I felt, how moronic. All I had to say was, “I like you.” That’s it. That’s literally it. And since I respected him and wanted him to find happiness, it could’ve end up with either a yes or a no. If he said no, I’d get over it as I always do. If he said yes, I’d be so nervous and paranoid I’d be a bad girlfriend since I’d never done this sort of thing before.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

What would happen?

“I think I like you.” Good answer: “I think I do too,” more or less. Hit it off.

“I think I like you.” Bad answer: “I’m not interested.” Boom, that’s it.

He wanted to know about me, was that just platonic?

I decided to pay more attention to him. In class, maybe he thought I was trying to ignore him. There were hella people conversing at the same time, we were standing in a group. I was trying to listen to everyone and I knew he was talking but no one was listening to him. Or maybe since he’s a dude, I was waaay overthinking it. Maybe he didn’t give a shit no one was listening to him.

I wanted to, like, touch his hand or arm or shoulder or leg again. Maybe not, maybe that was too creepy. Funny, I did want to eat his food though. He had this fruit and nut bar, that shit been lookin’ like a snack (Bad joke, I’ll go home.).

Was my flirty default compliment of calling my love interest “cute” the next step to take? Or should I have offered to do something actually nice and selfless? Y’know, give off love…or, I dunno, that’s weird. Anything he needed. But I’d need to know what he needed first, if anything, before I’d be able to help him.

Man, I was sassier and more playful before. Now I was so scared I wanted to puke on everything but him.

HE’S NOT SCARY WHY AM I SCARED?! Why am I like this?!!?

Whatever it was, I was gonna make some kind of move… er, step forward, we’ll call it.

Fuck, I just wanted to video chat and ugydfhydfjhdfjh, ballroom dance (WHAT?!). Or, I don’t know, be awkward and dance and stumble around, and, I don’t know, lay on his bed non sexually because, for some reason, he was making me feel very pious, and stupid, and gahhh! Also bondage would have been cool, but whatever. Uh, I meant, oh, look, a bird, a plane, literally anything else, don’t look at me!

Seriously, did he wash his hands after using the bathroom?! Hahaha, for real, that shit was a deal breaker!!!

I decided to wait and tell him after we’ve hung out at Jamba Jeep. Because if I said it prior in class, for example, and he rejected me, it’d be awkward as fuck to hang out. He’d probably think my intentions with hanging out at Jamba were to hit on him, which wasn’t…originally the case. Also, I was adamant about getting his butt in a chair and trying out a coveted, magestic acai bowl before I died. Scratch that shit off the bucket list.

Comfort 6: I’m Gonna Confess

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I’d feel so lame if I were a dude and reacted to a stupid crush like this. What kind of man would be a sniveling, awkward mess over asking what time a girl wanted to meet up for a fucking smoothie in a bowl? I’d have to be way more direct to get a typical woman to give me the time of day. Be like, “You. Me. Smoosh smoosh at this location at 6pm. Be there or be square.” God, I fucking hate having feelings for people. Even so, I thought he liked me too. Fingers crossed but, you know, that does nothing. Like prayer.

I had really shitty, idiotic, cutesy desires. I didn’t even want to think about sex because it seemed so nasty to. I just wanted to be pure. Talk, spend time, and, I dunno, like, hold hands and cuddle and whatever gay shit straight people do, I wouldn’t know. Um, you know, Netflix and Chill, sans the boning, because that’s gross. Actually chill. Go adventuring at a festival or concert, or… that’s weird. You know, share a 4-armed Snuggie (Um?). You know…grocery shop and ballroom dance- wait, what the fuck?!
Alright, look. We both like animals. We could ominously hang out with animals. (The fuck?) Or, or, like, drawing, we like drawing.

I was feeling it now, Mr. Krabs. My newfound infatuation was driving me bonkers. Stomach churning. Huge anxiety. I didn’t know what the fuck was on his mind. I thought there were mixed signals.

Just a few days ago, I was thinking of ways to have empty sex and stick my dick in everything that existed. But holy shit, change of plans. I didn’t understand it. I was so cool and collected a week or whatever before. I wondered if that attracted him. I asked his type and realized he was single. Was that what got him to want to talk to me for so many hours?

I thought to myself, I made a mistake telling him to leave me alone. He backed off. But I just meant it for the day. I really, really wanted to be around him. I wanted his affection, not suffocation. I wondered how long and frequently we’d be talking if I had kept my mouth shut.

I was so scared it was gonna fall apart just like literally every other crush I’ve had on someone. Eventually we never speak again. Every fucking time. It hurts the same, and I end up crying about it and wallowing in my angst for days or weeks or months.

I didn’t want to be clingy so I held back from dming. I told myself I’d have to take a step back and really fight this pattern I always fall back into. And yet here I was. Caring way too much about how he’d react.

I even joked to myself about what we would even do together. Besides food and fucking. They’re interchangeable, I mean thicc dicc and semen is food, is it not? Yeah, I totally thought back to the whole “saliva being free protein thing” I said earlier.

I hit him up asking for clarification for the actual time we’d meet after 1. Hello, we can’t just say we’ll hang out at whatever time of the damn day! He said 2. I asked how he’d get there, he said he’d drive.

 

I noticed in person I was relaxed around him. Then as soon as he’d leave, it’s like, holy shit, what am I? For example, we left the theater after class. I was indoors, still in the lobby. He was outdoors and faced me through the other side of the glass double doors. He stood there and I was totally chill. Then as soon as he turned away to go wherever he was going, my anxiety flooded in and my stomach was in knots. Like, was it a switch that turned on and off as soon as I realized he was leaving?

I reminded myself again not to hit him up since it was the umpteenth time I did it. I totally looked like a desperate no-life, right? I reluctantly agreed to myself that I’d confess. It sounded weird to say “confess,” like in an anime. Y’know, cute girl puts a kawaii note with a heart in the shoe locker. They meet at some strangely desolate area at lunch. Aren’t there supposed to be hundreds or thousands of students at like, every school ever? Uh, anyways, I meant it’s weird to say “confess” because I wasn’t in love with him or anything. And it’s not this long held secret, it was just… I dunno, man.

I sweated bullets assuming everything would end negatively. All bad things could’ve happened. If I got my hopes up, I’d get let down, and I wouldn’t know how to deal. I wondered what he must have been thinking. But if I didn’t even know, why the fuck would I dwell on this shit anyways? Perhaps cutting out my feelings as usual was the best defense.

I didn’t know what to do. I knew that in the end, my future career was more important than this shit. Past crushes made me understand it’s stupid and a waste of time. Maybe I’d be a bad girlfriend if I didn’t want to talk some days because I didn’t want to be distracted. I guessed I’d have to schedule out talking to him. Yeesh, that’d be oddly formal.

Alright, how romantic was this confession gonna get? Gimme what’chu got, girl. “I think I like you. But I don’t know if I should do anything about it because I prioritize my future over this.” Great. Fuck, that was fantastic. The most romantic thing I’ve ever said!

 

Comfort 5: The Touch Barrier

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He said his breakup was close to this time of the year, but he wasn’t dwelling on it anymore. I pitied him and said even if you miss someone, life moves on. After a bit more chitchat, I asked, “btw what’s your type? 😉 for science” because my ugly ass was very excitable in the moment. He swerved on my ass with some ratchet ass lyrics to “No Type” by Backwards Ear Drummers. Classy.

We chatted throughout the entire day, asking each other curious questions. He was very positive in his responses, saying shit like, “That’s cool :),” “awesome,” “nice,” and “it’s amazing.” He is close to his family, unlike me. I wondered how much more loved and accepted he feels. I mean, I just think people are shit and you shouldn’t like anyone just because you’re related. I don’t feel like there are people I can exactly turn to. His positivity was refreshing. Slightly annoying. Like a peppy Mormon missionary at my doorstep. It’s also jarring to know people like him exist.

I’ve literally never chatted with any friend this long before. Music, hobbies, that type of shit. I got increasingly irritated as time went on. I didn’t hold back on how much I fucking hate sports. It was fucking 4:38 and this bitch was still at the same energy level as this morning. I was fucking exhausted from all this socializing, who the fuck has this much time to talk? I send him, “ok, you’re cool and all but holy fuck I’m tired of talking to you no offense .”

I mean, look, I was going for sassy. Not actually mean. I put a fucking dizzy emoji there, in my defense. He responded, “Well damn, good day to you miss.” I backpedaled and said I had shit to do (which I did), annoyed I’d let him distract me so easily. My anxiety made me feel like shit for the next two hours until I apologized. He blew it off like he wasn’t offended.

Why am I so lame? I wanted him to be happy a few days ago with whoever he liked. Now I felt selfish and wanted him. I remembered just a few days prior I thought about hitting on a few different classmates, guys and a girl. Or arranging being fuckbuddies with a guy or two to fill the void. Or make out with whoever because I’m dead inside and hate myself. I guess I wasn’t actually interested enough in any of them. I was the most interested in the girl. I asked about her sexuality and learned it was impossible for her to ever be into me, so there’s that.

In class I took a moment to compose myself before asking about our meetup at Jamba Cunt and I asked about what time he was free. He said he was available after 1. I just mustered out, “Okay,” in the smallest voice ever, and I couldn’t look at him in the eyes. He might have been thinking I had ulterior motives, especially considering my tense body language. I mean, fuck, I did now, but that wasn’t what this meetup was supposed to be! I meant it as friends!

Afterwards, I had my legs fully extended and my shoes were pressed directly on the back of the theater seats in front of me. He copied me but his legs were so goddamn long his knees were bent and it looked really awkward. Fuck me, why is everyone taller than me? Seriously, fuck you if you’re over 5 feet tall. Yes, that means you, reader, I’m pointing right at you.

When he fully extended his legs, they rested on top of the chair and were way past the back of the damn chair. I told him not to do that. He refused to listen to me so I pressed my hand down near his knee to get him to put his legs down. I wasn’t sure if he was happy, embarrassed, or ticklish, but he laughed at me and put his legs down.

I was thinking in my next class that I broke the touch barrier. I wondered if he noticed, or if noticing these tiny details is really weird and only something I would do.

Comfort 4: I Like You

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I grew increasingly tired that I’d initiate all our conversations. But I also apologized for it, unsure if it was annoying him. It was, what, the fourth time now I texted him? If you don’t hit me up yourself by then, you fucking hate me, right? That’s how this works, right? Fuck me, I hate myself. He made a sarcastic comment saying yes, it was annoying having me and 100 other people trying to talk to him constantly, and that I should get a life. I didn’t respond to it. I knew it was a “joke,” but I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be reading underlying irritation. He thought it was funny I didn’t respond in 16 minutes, which annoyed me.

Possibly, he did enjoy my company but didn’t want to put the effort first for…whatever reason. I called him a bovine and asked if he wanted to hang out at Jamba Jizz. He said sure. Those smoothie bowl thingies were inferior to this actual acai bowl place, but hell, it was closer and cheaper.

I found this to be an interesting social first. None of my friends-or-not kept the convo going this long before, chatting for about an hour and a half into the night. Normally me hitting them up, checking in on their school and nonexistent social, love, and sex lives for, like, 5 minutes. Then me repeating this every few weeks or months. And then I try to arrange plans to hang out, they may chip in their two cents, but that shit doesn’t come to fruition.

Normally, I’m trapped at home all day doing homework and I figure if I get picked up from school, it’s generally too last minute to cancel on my parents picking me up right after class. Then I’d feel bad if they drove to pick me up, come find a text saying “I’m getting some frozen yogurt wif my bois lolxd~.” So generally if people are out and about I longingly look at their squad loitering around and getting junk food. Except I don’t want the junk food.

February first, less than two hours later, he virtually waved at me at 12:25 am. I’m like, “What the fuck does that even mean?” and waved back. Facebook is fucking weird. First virtually poking your grandma, now adding a wave. The fuck is a virtual wave? How weird would that be if he did this to me in real life? Past midnight, I’m asleep and he breaks into my bedroom (on the second story) and hovers over my unconscious body, waving at me, waiting for me to wake up and wave back. Okay, I think I’m weird too, but I’m just… creative! That’s it.

In class we sat together and I asked him if he knew what an acai bowl was. He didn’t. Absolutely horrifying. (Go get one, it’s a magical smoothie in a bowl.) The next Sunday, I got my monthly obsession and showed him a glorious picture of my bowl in the morning. He said it looked good, then showed me his leftover pancake from breakfast. I joked his spit was all over it, giving it gallons of extra protein. Since I saw a video of him with his girlfriend, I joked he probably sprays it on her.

He pointed out he’d been single for about a year. After a few seconds of shock, my face grew hot and I grew giddy. I mean, I’ve always thought he was cute and pleasant but I’d cut my mind off from thinking too hard about it, assuming he had a girlfriend. And I don’t fuck with being a shitty slutty cunty person. I only approve of being a slut if everyone you’re fucking is cool with it.

Why was this happening so instantaneously? I looked back, wondering did I actually have feelings for him this whole time? That couldn’t have been…right? I did like his friend at first.. But… what the fuck? No. I’ve been happy for him all this time and jealous he had someone and I didn’t. Except that was all bullshit, he never had anyone, what the fucking dick?

Oh, shit. I like you.